Two Seconds
by aRAUCANA
Summary: AU Crackfic, HP Crossover. Raito meets Voldemort and shortages of apples occur. Will they take over the world? Find Mello's expired stash of chocolate? Steal Near's Legos?


**Two Seconds**

**Summary:** AU ending to DeathNote. What if Raito escaped to Rowling-world and met up with the resident evil villian? Would they _dundundun_ plot to take over the world? Have a tea party? Defeat Near? Steal his Legos?

**Disclaimer:** If I owned all the things this one-shot implies I own then I really wouldn't be writing this. It'd be published and the world would be full of crack addicts.

**Warnings:** Spoilers for 107 and such. Raito hating. And I'm not Canadian-ist.

* * *

_Panic._

Near now had all of the evidence he needed to capture Light. Heck, he had more than enough evidence. It was time to use his trump card. Slowly moving the hand with his watch up to him, he suddenly punched straight in front of him, pressing down his watch.

_"RAITO-FLASHH!"_ he yelled, triggering the 1337-watt flashlight he had gotten built into his watch.

"I'M BEING BLINDED! DO SOMETHING, CHESTER!" Near put the L mask back on. "PUT DOWN YOUR ARM, DAMMIT! IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE GONNA GET AWAY, ANYWAYS!"

"My name's Lester..."

"HAHAHA THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK!" He laughed triumphantly and called the death god, "RYUK!"

"Eh?"

"You're Canadian?" Raito gasped, "I was completely unaware!"

"Nah, I just wanted to try it mwehehehe."

"...Oh, well, in anycase. OFF TO BRITAIN!"

"Okies!"

Shit, he just gave away their destination. Oh, but Near doesn't know that, he'd think Light was trying to ...mislead them! Yeah, that's it.

"AND THAT'S JUST TO MISLEAD YOU, NEAR!" Shoot. He did it again. Using the DeathNote really drained his braincells. He had been getting dumber and dumber throughout the series, and by now, he had only a slight grasp on even his sanity.

* * *

A few wrong turns and two and a half weeks later, they arrived in Britain three-halves dead (Ryuk was already dead and Raito was half dead) and pretty disheveled.

"_Huuhhh_...is..._huh.._this the..._huh_..right place?"

"Fwehehehehhe. Yah."

"You suck."

"Fwehehehehe, who's the loser that got caught?"

"Ugh, ok I suck too."

"Not _too_. Just you. You suck way more."

"I do not. _You're_ ugly."

"So are you. Mwhehehe. Loser."

"I am NOT ugly. I had Takako AND Misa!"

"So? You can't even remember her name. And Misa's dumber than I am."

"...way to kill my self-esteem, Ryuk. Thanks a lot, man."

"Hehehehheh. No problem."

"Stop giggling dammit."

"I'm not giggling. It's creepy when a Death-God laughs, ya know?"

"...Yeah, uh. So you're SURE this is Britain?"

"What's the sign above your head say?"

Raito looked up and squinted. We...welcome to...Eng...land. England? Oh. _Ohhhh._ England. Oh.

He turned around, scanning for signs of life. Ah, a house. He decided to knock on the door, like a normal person would, as opposed to sneaking in through the back and whacking them over the head with a DeathNote.

"Who goes there? Are ya lost, Sonny?"

"Who the hell are you, old man?" Raito said with disgust, twitching away from the bald alien standing in front of him.

"Eh? Didn't yer elders teach ya any manners, Sonny?"

Raito furrowed his brows and tried to translate what he was saying into Japanese. Since he was already speaking at 2 inches per hour, he decided asking him to repeat it slower would be insulting to his own intelligence.

After giving up on the translations, he decided to call the makers and ask for subtitles.

"WHAT? I'M NOT PAYING THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND FOR SUBTITLES! ARE YOU CRAZY?"

But couldn't because he was too poor.

"Eh? What'dya say? My right ear's deaf, Sonny."

"Ugh, who the hell is this old bald guy, anyway?" he asked Ryuk.

"Fwehehehehe. You don't read a lot do you?"

Insulting his (lack of) intelligence. Each and everyone of them.

He then mentally went through each and every book he had read since pre-school. Luckily, he stopped at Harry Potter when he got to the second grade, as opposed to middle school or something. Because he was an over achiver like that.

Yes, he read Harry Potter in _second grade_.

In _English_. (Despite the fact that he now had no idea what this hairless old guy was trying to say).

_Before_ it came out in print.

Heck, before it was even _written._

"AHA! VOLDEMORT!" He pointed.

"Eh? Don'cha know it's rude to point? Mind yer manners, Sonny!"

"Damn, what was his real name again?"

"Fwhehehehehehe."

"Oh, shut up, you're no help."

"I'll tell you if you gimme an apple hehehe."

"I don't have any damn app-" luck behold, an apple tree! Right next to him, too!

"Hehehe, don't bother, I just ate 'em all."

_**"Damn youuu!"**_

Ah! It hit him- like a ton of bricks. Actually no, the tiling of the house suddenly slipped and avalanched him.

But anyhow- Tom Morvolo Riddle! He _knew _it had something to do with cigarettes or something. He quickly whipped out his DeathNote- or rather, Ryuk's DeathNote - and started to scribble in his oh-so-perfect handwriting.

The balding old guy, on the otherhand, dropped the senile dementia act as soon as he laid eyes on the notebook. DeathNote? He knew this kid, he was the one that stole away his feature on last month's _Evil Villians_ magazine! He was supposed to be on the front cover! How'd this idiot _kid _make it on instead of him? He, Lord Voldemort, had killed countless numbers! Bloody, _bloody _deaths! This, this kid on the other hand, he wrote their measly names in a notebook! How was this more evil?

"Wait, Light Yagami, I presume?" he said, in perfect subtitles. (Because he was richer than Raito, of course.)

"H-how'd you know my name?" Raito gasped, "And why do you have to sub it backwards? It looks so tacky!"

"Backwards? That'd make it _I'm a gay Th'gil,_ silly. Would you care to join me?"

"I'M NOT GAY!" he cried out in denial before composing himself, "Join you for what? Sorry, I'm not into people less cool than L. And no one is cooler than L, dammit. Why'd Rem kill him? I could care less if Misa was caught! L wouldn't JAIL me. I'd buy him CAKE!"

"I'm not hitting on you," the balding alien sighed, "I want you to become my minio- _partner in crime_! With my wizardry and your pieces of flimsy paper, we could rule the world! And the front cover!"

"Front cover?"

"Nevermind that last line."

"...right."

"So, what do you say?"

"I'll pass."

"Eh?"

"I'm not _evil._ I'm _Justice_."

"Right, right. We all are."

"No, I'm _Justice_."

"You're refusing my offer?" he sighed, preparing to kill off this n00bish bugger for waking him from his nap, stealing his cover story, breaking his roof, tresspassing, eating all his apples, and just being plain annoying.

"I'm _Justice_!" he exclaimed, whacking him over the head with the DeathNote and scribbling _'Tom Morvolo Riddle'_ into it.

"OW! Oh hey look, a rotting corpse. Smiling at me," he saw stars. And Ryuk, "Thanks a lot, kid. My vision's blurring."

"Hehehehe I'm not a rotting corpse. I'm a Death-God."

"Oh, gee it talks."

"TWENTY-SECONDS! MWHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE- Damn you, Ryuk. Freaking contagious laugh."

"No, no. Raito, m'dear, it's _FWHEHEHEHEE_!"

"Ah, I see. FWHEHEHE-wait why am I doing thi-" he collapsed. Ouch, he'd just been Avada Kedavra'd.

Two seconds.

_Fwumph._

Ryuk smiled. (Just kidding, he's always smiling.) Two dead people... he was feeling kind of hungry.

Ew no, he wasn't going to eat their corpses you sick, sick people.

He stole their money and went off to buy apples.

THE END! YAY!

A/N: I can't remember Takako's name either -o-


End file.
